Friending is Not Getting to Know People

Dozens of “Good morning Twitterers!” flow in my Twitter client. One of my “friends” has to go to the bank across town today. Good luck with that, friend. Another friend has just discovered a cool new video on YouTube. Of course she’s doing us the honor of sharing it, so we can have a laugh while enjoying our morning coffee. Someone hasn’t slept well. And a lot of other “friends” say they are bored. In no time, I’m getting “Heading to bed, good night all” updates. Has the day gone by already? How fun!

I soon realize that they’re people. Real people. Persons, with voices, thoughts and souls. People that I’ve been talking to (at) and that have been talking back (at me) for months now. And yet, I know nothing about them.

Sure, I know what time they get up and what time they go to bed at. I know where they hang out from time to time. I know they are busy, they have jobs, they are sometimes sad and sometimes happy, sometimes bored and sometimes excited. And sometimes, they get a cold. But doesn’t everybody? This approach to conversation is creeping into our lives more and more. We’re getting so used to communicating like this, that we do it more and more with flesh-and-bone people.

It seems that around 50% of Americans don’t have anyone to talk to about really important, deep stuff. That’s why therapists are doing so well in the US. We don’t open up unless opening up is institutionalized. There are many things that led to this situation. One of them is computers.

We’ve learned to think and communicate in their terms. We use computers 99% of the time at work, so we had to. The social software revolution made us available to our friends all the time, so we did not have to actually go meet them after work in order to talk to them cheaply. But this has side effects.

I believe that somehow this type of communication made us more closed. Everywhere we are, we act as if we’re behind a wall that protects us from the world. At work and at home, it may be the computer screen. On the road, in the metro or on the street it’s the iPod or mobile games. We’re rarely alone with our own thoughts, let alone the thoughts and voices of others. This makes us closed, suspicious, lacking empathy, temperamental.

I really believe in the value of old fashion conversation and I think we should do something about the situation that we’re in. There are more people on Earth than ever, but we’re lonelier than ever. There are more money, resources and people available than ever, yet many can’t seem to find their way in this world. If we could get back to the basics of it all – human communication – and make it better, I think we’d have a happier world.